Post by misinglink on May 25, 2013 6:49:43 GMT -5
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
* * *
An angry man walked into his crowded local bar, waving his 1911 Colt 45 around and yelled, 'Who in here has been messing around with my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, 'You're gonna need more ammo!"
* * *
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"
The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew." He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.''
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it just the same.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me?"
The Jew answers, "Just look in the Arab's pocket."
* * *
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, a hook for his hand, and a patch over one eye. The bartender serves him a drink and strikes up a conversation.
"So, I noticed that you lost your leg. How did that happen?"
"Well," says the pirate, "we were at sea when a terrible maelstrom hit us. We were fighting to keep the ship afloat, and during the storm a rope got wrapped around me leg and ripped it off."
"Wow, that's horrible," said the bartender. "What about your hand?"
The pirate said, "We were battling a fearsome pack of sharks bent on tearing our ship to pieces. They were excited by the blood in the water and one of them leaped out of the water and bit me hand off."
"Oh man, that's really terrible," said the bartender. "I hate to ask since these are so tragic, but what about your eye?"
The pirate sighed. "A bird pooped in me eye."
"Wait a minute," said the bartender. "You lost your eye because a bird pooped in it?"
"Well," said the pirate, "it was the first day I had me hook."
* * *
The other night my wife and I were discussing our retirement and our future. I asked her, "What will you do if I die before you do?" She thought about it for a minute and said she'd probably share a house with three other single or widowed women who are as active for her age as she is. Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?" I said, "Probably the same thing as you."
That's when the fight started.
* * *
A man decided he hadn't taken home a gift to his wife in several years. So, he stopped on the way from work to pick up some candy and flowers. When he arrived home, he handed her the flowers and candy. She immediately burst into tears. "What's the matter, dear?" he asked.
"I've had a terrible day," she replied. "The sink stopped up, the washer broke down, Junior fell down the steps, the phone has been ringing all day, I have a terrible headache . . . and now you come home drunk."
* * *
Advice for eating out: Never ask a waitress if she has frog legs or chicken breasts.
* * *
My brother was a brilliant scientist whose career ended badly. He invented a clone of himself. Since my brother was afraid of public speaking the clone would go and give a talk in his place. But the clone used such foul language that it had to be stopped. One day in a fit of exasperation my brother pushed the clone off of a cliff. He was immediately arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
* * *
On a recent trip to Germany I ate breakfast at the hotel restaurant. The waitress brought me eggs over easy, toast, coffee and hashed browns. "Where's the sausage?" I asked. The waitress ran back toward to kitchen saying, "The wurst is yet to come."
* * *
So, why don't crabs give to charity? Because they're shellfish!
* * *
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.' The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.' Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.